Ever noticed yourself doing that? It's usually triggered when we think we are going to lose something... Like when a relationship starts to show signs of ending. My first marriage got to that point and my husband at the time realised he might lose me, so the tightening began... More "I love you's", more hugs, more spending time with me... more in my space at the time when I needed space the most!
The end of a relationship is never easy for either party but here is the thing, the more you try to hold on, the more you close off the oxygen feeding it. I felt suffocated, trapped and even more guilt because all I wanted to do was run. The more he tried to be with me, the more I wanted to go because it was TOO much. In the end all it did was kill any chance of me reconnecting with him; I didn't have the space to think through things or to miss him because he made sure he was there all the time.
Parents do it with children too, usually when they get to that age... you know, the age where they start to try and be an adult but the parents still think of them as children? Now as parents we know they are just trying to keep them safe, but to the teenager they are just trying to keep them a child and spoil all their fun! So what happens when a teenager has a parent who puts more rules and restrictions on them... they rebel!
The age-old saying of "if you love someone set them free, if they were meant to be yours, they'll come back to you" is more than true in most cases. It's even true while you are IN the relationship. For a relationship to truly thrive both people need to be given the freedom to grow, change, feel, dream, experience and express who they really are. Shut them down or box them in and eventually they will have to get out.
To "let go" is to encourage and support, rather than to demand and rule. Encourage your partner (child/friend/whoever) to experience the new things they express a desire to do; support them in their dreams and aspirations. If they say they want to do something, tell them it's great, to shut them down would be to say "what do you want to do that for?" or "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" and then to carry on with all reasons YOU think it's a waste of time.
My boss was telling the team just yesterday about his wife wanting to go to a national event and then he ranted on about all the reasons he thought it was pointless and a waste of time and everything else he said to her... my first thought was "the poor woman, she tells him something she feels the need to do and he belittles it" I could just imagine how deflated she would have felt... and I don't know about you but, do you reckon that built stronger foundations in the relationship or just took another chip away from it?
Alright, enough rambling from me... I think you get my point; hold on too tightly to someone and they want to go in the opposite direction, allow them the freedom, and they'll more likely choose to stay with you.
Here's to your relationship and sexual evolution!
Chantelle Austin
Author of The Essential Guide for Adventurous Couples, as well as Relationship Coach and Expert for people and relationships that are not exactly "traditional". When it comes to relationships, sex and sexuality, nothing is swept under the rug!
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